Gelisim News

Do not lie to children while talking about 'death'!

The concept of death is very difficult for many people to talk about, understand and accept. When it comes to children, dealing with and making sense of this situation leads to an even more difficult process. Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist Asst. Prof. Dr. Deniz Yıldız, who stated that children's perceptions and understandings of the concept of death differ according to their developmental level, also added death should be explained to the child in simple language, without lying, and that the deceased will not come back anymore.

Death is a difficult reality for both children and adults to accept. Adults may think that this is a situation that should be hidden from children, sometimes for their own anxieties and sometimes to protect children from the traumatic effects of death. Children need explanations and help from adults they trust to cope with this difficult situation. Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist Asst. Prof. Dr. Deniz Yıldız from Istanbul Gelisim University (IGU), Faculty of Health Sciences, Department of Child Development, stated children can overcome the grieving process in a healthier way by making honest and sincere statements to them according to their developmental levels.

“Children think the dead person will come back”

Children's perceptions and understandings of the concept of death differ according to their developmental level. Until the age of 2, children are too young to fully grasp the concept of death. Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist Asst. Prof. Dr. Deniz Yıldız: “Death is like a long-term separation or journey in their eyes. In the preschool period, death is a temporary event for a child. They think that the dead person will return again. Starting from primary school, children begin to perceive the fact that death is an irreversible end, but they believe that they and their loved ones will not die. They often think that death will happen to sick or old people. After the age of 10, they begin to perceive the concept of death more clearly. They know that death is the end of life, that it can happen to anyone, and that there is no going back to life.”

“Talkings such as deceased loved ones watch over us can also cause uneasiness in children”

It is of great importance by whom and in what way death is told to children, which is in the cycle of life. The news of death should be told to the child, if possible, by the parent, if the parents are not alive, by the person whom s/he loves, trusts and feels closest to. Asst. Prof. Dr. Deniz Yıldız: “It is important not to lie to the children, otherwise distrust can be seen when they learn the truth. The child should be told in simple language that death is the end of life and that the deceased will no longer come. It is very important to use the word 'death'. The use of concepts such as deceased or gone further confuses the child in the concrete stage. Explaining death by analogy with sleep may lead to the development of the idea that he may die during sleep, especially in young children, and as a result, to have sleep problems. They may also feel uneasy when their parents sleep. Talkings such as deceased loved ones watch over us can also cause uneasiness in children.”

“Clear and reassuring answers are essential”

The attitude and behavior of the person who will explain the situation is very important for the child. Asst. Prof. Dr. Yıldız said: “A child who has lost a relative may have security concerns. The child loses the belief that his parents will always be there for him, and he becomes acquainted with the feeling that one day he will die too. They often ask questions such as; ‘Are you going to die too? “Will I die too?”. We should reply these questions with clear and reassuring answers such as;  'We are all healthy now, we have a long life ahead of us and you. We are safe here and together now'’. Anger, aggression, baby-like attitudes can be seen in the child who lost a loved one. It should be known that this situation is temporary and should be treated with understanding and patience. Children should be allowed to express their sadness through activities such as playing games, painting and sports. Photographs, belongings and memories of the lost relative should not be throw away. A memorial corner can be created where the family can remember the lost person.”